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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Scurrrrrrow's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, October 28th, 2014
9:41 pm
Okay.


So like, THINGS ARE DIFFERENT. The taste testing job is actually working out right now (not to jinx it). I got my real estate license and I've been trying to be a real estate agent, but I'm not good at being a salesman, I'm more good at being sarcastic. I haven't made any money yet.

I started dating a guy. (gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay). Which is weird but it totally makes sense, I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. I've only dated girls before, but 75 percent of my sexual encounters have been guys so I don't know what I was trying to prove.

I can't really make any decisions towards anything, because I can't picture where I want to be. I still want to make cartoons. Or do I just want to be a cartoon? The furry community allows me to do that already. I think my life goal is already accomplished.

People say it takes about a year to start making money doing real estate, and I've been doing it for about 8 months. I like everyone I work with, i just wish I wasn't so fucking anxious around people. Every time I try to talk to perspective buyers i freeze up.


Furpocalypse in 2 days. Dance routine, masquerade act, all that. maybe.
Friday, January 24th, 2014
12:40 am
I had a really weird off week where I felt super angry the whole week. I almost got in fights literally every day. I haven't been that angry in a while. It's over. One thing will piss me off and I'll get mad about EVERYTHING EVER.

I'm excited about this real estate thing, honestly. I love real estate and houses and weird finance shit. Even if i sell one house a month I'll be fine, since I live so cheaply. Never going to own a house, get married, have kids, retire, what's the difference how much I make?

Also, I've applied at the library, If i get THAT job it will be AMAZING. I love the library, and it's part time with really good pay. So i can do the library and the real estate thing! And i can just get out of this taste testing bullshit.

I've got a friend that works at the library, but I've got a feeling it's not going to help. Fuck.

Whatever, I'm also learning how to WELD, which is cool. I like it already, it's like drawing with hot metal. I apparently picked it up fast. I usually pick things up pretty fast and then get bad at them, and then level off. (ADD life, that's how it goes. concentrate hard on new things, then lose concentration)


A more positive journal, there.

My phone is fucking dead from water. Thanks WATER. Hydrogen on a phone is fine, Oxygen on a phone is fine. BUT WHEN YOU COMBINE THE TWO!!!!!! OH MAN.


Also got 2000 watchers on FA? Positive news. That's more people than some towns have.
Thursday, January 16th, 2014
11:41 pm
Gonna post another journal about being angry and upset. I don't really reread any of my entries so it's probably repetitive.

The weirdest things will set me off. Basically, one of my room mates knocked a bag of toilet paper rolls into the toilet, and then a different one fished it out and put it on the floor next to the toilet. WELL OF COURSE a waterlogged bag of toilet paper fucking flooded the bathroom and got everywhere, and I got really mad. This is the maddest I've been in years! I told him he should have put it in the bathtub, and he was like "Well i was about to take a shower". Fucking just deal with it then somehow! Instead, he left it for me to deal with. I wiped up the floor, cleaned the throw rug, threw the toilet paper rolls on the balcony. I dealt with it! Everyone else fucking just ignored it like it wasn't there. I mean, if you see a problem, then fucking deal with it ALL THE WAY. If this is how things are going to be then fuck this place. I've been consistently mad about this for three days.

I'll obviously never be an animator, I don't know why I thought i would. It's a fucking pipe dream, it's never going to happen. I am not good enough, i Suck at 3d modeling, and I don't know flash, illustrator, indesign. Any of those fucking programs. I've tried watching tutorials, my ADD kicks in after about 10 minutes and I end up watching the same section over and over, not retaining any of it. Not to mention, if i didn't use any of it I forget it anyway, which I don't. Why would I ever use indesign unless I work for a design company? Everything requires experience and/or weird college degrees I didn't get. No one wants to train anyone! I've been drawing constantly for my entire life and I am still not good enough. Fuck it. I'm fucked!

I started Real estate school, I'm very torn about this. I'm stressed about learning a new skill, people thinking I'm 20 something and probably treating me like shit, doing all this legal stuff. I'm excited about it in other ways, but I kind of want to hurry up and get it over with. I'm about 30 hours into the 75 necessary training hours, but i basically did this at my wit's end already so it's kind of straining on me. Also Fucking ADD, i start at paragraphs for so long until finally i have to kick myself into reading it, and then maybe comprehending it. It takes me an hour to read like 4 pages. I hope this works out.

I've had some job interviews that went pretty badly and stressed me out. I'm a nervous mess on every interview. If I get asked a question, my brain disappears. I've even tried to answer every single questions that i might get asked and have a sheet of paper with every question answered already. The last interview was a 12.50 an hour customer service job (which is the only think you can do with a fucking psychology degree). The guy said he didn't want to hire me because of my animation degree, and that i should pursue that and shouldn't stray from my dream. WHAAAT? I was completely flabbergasted. Overall, this interview didn't go that badly, but it completely floored me. I don't know what to say, I can't even get jobs I barely want!

My job is still only 4 hours a day, I guess that will never change back to how it was! Now to make things worse, there's no talking in the panel room and no electronics. I have to sneak text and I can't use my ipad. I can only draw or read, and take samples. I usually do these two things anyway, but being restricted is really annoying. I'm basically done with that place, not a moment to soon! As soon as I sell my first house, I'm going on a hiatus from there. (Never quitting though)

I got into a heated argument with some of my friends who want kids. I just don't understand, have you looked around at how badly the world sucks? It SUCKS ass. It's always sucked, there's never been a good time to be alive. Is having a kid some sort of revenge thing? Like "Congratulations, I brought you into the world so you can be a wage slave too! Nope, you can't kill yourself, sorry! Gotta go through with your whole life" It's fucked up to have a kid at all. Especially during a time where everything sucks ass, you're dooming your kid and you're dooming the world. The real questions is why the fuck have we created a world to live in that sucks? We're dumb, that's why.

Just feeling mega frustrated with choices I've mad. Forever, I'll be frustrated and stressed forever it looks like.
Saturday, August 10th, 2013
3:22 am
So i guess I had sort of an "ANXIETY ATTACK" chest pains episode yesterday, I figured I'd vent about it here. Only like two people read this, and I'm really embarrassed about all this stuff, but I sort of want to talk about it to the internet. Basically, this happened to me two years ago also, I end up with this pain in my chest that does NOT go away, it feels like a knife is stabbing through my chest and through my back. It's super painful and I can't do anything to distract myself from it. Last time it happened was june 2011, after having a talk with someone about the post office and why I quit. The talk stressed me out so much, I had this damn chest pain attack and it lasted 12 hours! I fell asleep with it, woke up and still had it. Luckily, I still had muscle relaxers from one of my post office stomach pain episodes and I took those and it went away.

This time, it lasted about 4 hours and I realized it wasn't going away, I took the muscle relaxers again to get rid of it. It's the only way! I guess it might be acid reflux related also, but I'm not sure, but the acid reflux feels completely different. It's burning going up and down my esophagus. I looked it up online and Anxiety seems to be the culprit for everyone. I was told to go on medication for anxiety already after my stupid breakdown, but I refused to! Every time I go on meds, I feel like a fake happy zombie. I've tried already, once for depression and once for ADD.

I guess I'm not as strong as I like to admit, and things are really effecting me. I'd like to think after quitting the post office, nothing is going to stress me out as much as that. BUT I GUESS that's not true, I'll always be stressed out. I just really don't know what to do about it. I know what's stressing me out, but I'm helpless to do anything about it.

So here's where I vent about things, I guess. The "Almost getting murdered in georgia" thing, that's pretty much been stressing me out. Let's not go into that, but it might be the worst thing I've ever been through. I couldn't eat for a week. I couldn't sleep. 4 hours of a crazy guy screaming at me, the look in his eyes, jumping under my car when I tried to leave his house, getting up all bloody trying to get me to go back in his house, telling me he's going to call the cops and tell them I ran him over. (I didn't though, he jumped into my car and i stopped immediately) I'm so glad to be out of there, and that I made it out in general. I can't believe I let myself get into that situation. I've been stressing about it, yes. He said to me "I hope this image of me is burned into your head forever" when he got up from the gravel, and he wiped his blood on my windshield! I told him "Oh, don't you worry. it will be." It is! Of course it is.

The job thing has been stressing me out, My current job never gives me a good schedule or as many hours as i used to get. I've been applying and not getting a single response. I suppose the new job search standard is to never get call backs ever, but I just feel like I'm not qualified for anything. I feel as if I've fucked up my whole life career wise.

My room mates seem to be unhappy as well, I feel like I've convinced them to move to NJ just so they could be miserable here. They might move out at any second. It's stressing me out, there's not really anything I can do about it.

My band breaking up after 10 years, the xylophone player attacking me physically! Because I broke up the band when I was mad. I started the damn band, I can end it if I want to. WHO punches someone over a band?

I just feel like an unhire-able bum. I'm too weird for anyone to hire. The only place I seem to fit into is the Furry fandom, because my weirdness goes so well with my fursuit. I think maybe I shouldn't have never quit the post office, but I had a fun past 2 years that I know I wouldn't have had if I worked there. I also think about walking back into that building and I want throw up. I could never go back there!!! But i still feel guilty for leaving. The longer I don't have a job, the guiltier I feel.

In reality, I've only been looking for a job for about 2 months, and I've applied to about 20 or so places, so I guess I shouldn't get all that discouraged. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but the fact is It's something I'm stressing about and it's effecting me physically.

That's it! END.
Monday, July 22nd, 2013
2:33 am
Every once in a while I gotta post something here about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. I rarely get replies, but it's okay! I don't mind. It's very personal stuff.

Since I came back from my florida adventure (where i almost got murdered) I have applied to a bunch of jobs that I'm pretty positive I could do, but I might have trouble proving to someone else that I could. The online application process is both a blessing and a curse. It's super convenient and it makes a lot of weird jobs known, but it's really time consuming and bizarre. Most jobs want you to pick a user name and password, and then fill out a very lengthy application which includes all the stuff that is on your resume anyway. What is the point of a resume if you're just going to repeat everything. There's also this scary entity on the other end receiving your information. I hate the idea of someone looking at my resume and thinking I'm a red flag of some sort. Or just being overly important about things and deciding I don't have enough experience with some obscure computer program that only their company uses. Suffices to say, out of the 10 or so jobs I've applied to so far I haven't gotten a single call or email.

So I have these two weird vague degrees, one in Psychology and one in Animation, these 4 years wasted at the post office where I should have been building my career, instead I just learned how to be shitty. I sort of wonder if I've doomed myself to end up back there. It seems like the only thing I know how to do. I can set up and deliver mail. Don't know how anything else works, sorry. I know how to model stuff and use after effects, but not well enough to do anything useful.

I still want to be an animator or do something in the animation business, but it's still light years away from my finger tips. It actually pains me to watch animated films and look at the credits. Could i have been working on that film if things had gone differently?

Let's say I did land a job as some type of animator. Who is to say I would even get to do what I want, or that anyone would listen to me? I have a lot of weird ideas, any time I am in some form of planning committee, NO ONE listens to me. It's not even something I am mad about anymore, it's just how it goes. I could just picture a bunch of overly excited animators saying a bunch of crap and not listening to my ideas at all. People tend to not listen to a lot of things I say, unless I am saying pure nonsense. I'm not complaining really, I just notice the point where people stop paying attention, and it happens a lot when I talk.

The furry community is pretty much the first time where my weirdness has been so widely accepted, I'm really grateful for that. I just hope I can fake it enough to get somewhere in the real world. If I actually get an interview, should I be myself? Or be a different character? I'm burnt out and tired of struggling for stuff, maybe Furry can sustain my desire to create for the rest of my life and I won't have to be animator.
Tuesday, July 2nd, 2013
2:16 am
Anthrocon is in 3 days.

I've applied for a few jobs and of course, in the nature of online job searching and the market, I haven't gotten a call or email or anything. I've been searching for jobs and looking at mind numbing job descriptions, all of them seem like something I could easily do but don't have the requirements to get hired. How can I prove to people that I can do jobs?

The problem with the whole job search is it seems like these jobs want your heart and soul, and I'm not a good liar! I can't tell an interviewer that I've always wanted to work for PNC bank, or that I've always wanted to do human resources and that's my calling. I know I'll get super into whatever it is, I'll probably get along with my coworkers, and I'll eventually get pissed off at everyone and hate the job in a few years. That's just how it's going to go, all the while trying to animate or draw comics on the side.

The problem is I want to do EVERYTHING, and NOTHING all at once. I could picture myself doing anything, and I want to try doing everything. But everything involves training and schooling, how can I get all this schooling? The concept of looking for a job is exciting, but it's scary at the same time. What if I end up doing a thing forever? How can I choose a thing to do? I don't want to commit to picking one thing I really want to do, so I sort of just want the universe to choose something for me. That didn't really work for the post office, but maybe it will work for whatever random office job I get.

As for this animation shit, I gotta make a demo reel, and I'm sort of stuck on what to do for it. My professor said I need to make a different demo reel for each thing I want to apply for, which sounds like a messy situation. I think I need to just make one, even if it's shit. I've seen some amazing demo reels, mine is just going to be mediocre.
Friday, May 24th, 2013
12:43 am
I'm done with My second degree! I now have a 2 degrees, an Associates in Digital Animation and 3d design, and a B.A. in Psychology. Weird! The psychology degree was more me figuring out what was wrong with me rather than learning anything. I figured out that EVERYTHING is wrong with me. I think the next step is to get a Masters, but I'm not going to do that for a while. I think I'll try to get a job for a while, save money, and then go back to school again. Why not right?

My final animation project: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRZAhkPlq98

Completely done in adobe after effects. Presenting it to the class was a big success, I got a really good reaction out of it. Ok, I know that supposedly the ANIMATION industry is hard to get into, but I honestly don't give a shit and I'm sick of hearing it. When I was making this cartoon, it felt really good like I was doing what I was meant to do. I've never felt like this before with any other career or class I've taken (except maybe fursuiting.) I could have sat there all year and made that. Cartoons, animating, I don't know, it's what I'm meant to do, even if that sounds cheesy. It's the ONLY thing I can do. I have to do it. If I went my whole life without getting this animation degree, I would have been angry forever. Even if I end up dying broke and alone like Tex Avery.

I have this really shitty uncle that never talks to me. He's an architect, and supposedly in High school he took a drafting class and knew that was what he wanted to do. He pursued architecture, was the only person in his class to pass the final exam, and he's been doing it ever since. He found his calling really early on! I never took a drafting class! I fucked up a lot of things and went astray, but I think I may have finally put things back in the right direction.

So now I'm going to drive to Florida for no reason. I've wanted to drive down there myself for a long time, I think it will be fun. When I get back, I'll basically have an entirely new life. We're moving into a new place (the 4 people in my apartment are migrating to a large victorian house in the historical part of town. ) I'll hopefully find a better job when I get back. I can put the Post office and any of the baggage that goes with this current apartment behind me forever!

In other news, I think my band is done. I've been the same band for 10 years, I almost broke up the band 2 years ago or so, I didn't think anyone else was into it. This time, I was left to bring all the equipment out of the venue myself at the end of the show and I got super mad and decided I was never doing this again. (It's a 6 person band! ) It still seems like no one is into it. I'm not even sure I'm into it. I'm sick of playing shows, playing for no one, moving equipment, the stress of making sure everything works. The lead singer has been doing this thing where he starts the songs too quickly for everyone, and he's been doing it for the entire time we've been a band. I'm sick of it. On top of that, no one likes us and no one has ever liked us. Maybe I made an angry hasty decision to break things up, I'm having a few second thoughts, but I'm still pretty angry about things.

The first half of my life has been a lot of failing! My band is sort of a huge failure that I've been lugging around for a while. I think I've had more success in everything I've tried doing in the past 2 years than I've had for my entire 28 years before that, hopefully it's an upward trend.
Wednesday, May 8th, 2013
1:49 am
Fuck getting a job. I'm going to drive around and shit on lawns.

I was hanging out with some friends last weekend, they are all buying houses/settled down/married/ pregnant/buying marriage/pregnant house sitting. It was weird, they are still the same people and I get along with them, but I can't help but feel distant from them at the same time.

I mean, I've had a girlfriend for 3 years, I guess the only difference would be us living together. We aren't completely faithful to each other, which alleviates a lot of the stress of being in a relationship. I think she would agree with me on this. My friends lives seem really boring and stressful to me. Right now as much as the idea of looking for a job is stressful, I need that challenge over my head. I need to be able to think I'll eventually move somewhere else than where I am now. I'll probably never own a house. If I did, I wouldn't do any of the typical shit anyone else does. I would have a bondage dungeon in the basement.

I don't have to do any of that shit everyone else does, I can be one of the lost kids that never settles anywhere.
Friday, February 15th, 2013
12:13 am
What the F happened.
So basically my job melted. I don't know what else to call it, and it happened faster than I ever would have expected. I had been working 24 hours a week (which is perfect for going to school part time and completely doable) I signed a contract saying I would have this great schedule that worked well with my school schedule until MAY. It was awesome and I was thinking "wow, this job is actually working out"

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I come in to work "We canceled these shifts" I dropped from 24 hours to 12 hours. Basically, let me explain the structure of my job first. It's a taste testing facility, they have two programs I do, one is sugar substitutes (It mostly involves trying to get weird after tastes out of sugar substitutes by adding other chemicals) and the other is a bitterness program (Potassium chloride, trying to substitute salt with potassium chloride and get rid of bitterness), each panel is 2 hours long, and there are half hours between each panel, and there are 5 panels each day. SO like, 10am to 12:00pm, then the next panel is 12:30 to 2:30, and so on.

This job is INCREDIBLY easy, I would sometimes do all 5 panels with no problems. My taste buds would be a little burnt out by the end, but next to the post office this job was NOTHING. All of a sudden, SOMEONE SOMEWHERE decided that they don't want panelists doing consecutive panels anymore. So now, if I want do 2 panels in one day, there has to be a huge gap in between them, meaning i have to either find something else to do in town or drive a half hour home, chill for however long, and then drive back out. This is no longer a fucking job! What is this now? It's like, going to a methadone clinic or something. Basically, they are condemning themselves to neighborhood walk-in bums, no one is going to drive to a 2 hour job.

I can't believe how stupid this job got, I'm incredibly angry over this great contract I signed that just disappeared. On top of that, I was in the "Specialty" panels which got paid more than the regular panels, and there's a group of about 20 people that have been doing this for more than a year that were in this panel, they are basic taking all these loyal employees and saying "fuck you". This job already has a high turnover rate as it is.

Next week I have 10 hours split into 3 days! And i had to take 2 of the hours off because they were sooo inconvenient. (My friday schedule was 12:30 to 2:30 and then 8pm to 10pm. )

Another job turned to shit! I'm still holding onto an iota of a hope that they will realize this is a bad idea and work things out, and it will go back to how it was. Otherwise, it's not even worth it to drive there anymore. Even though this is just a bullshit part time job, I put a lot of effort into this. I've figured out what to do and how to get it perfect. I've rewired myschedule so many times to make it better for me, and this time it was FINALLY going to already be better, no rewiring required. POOF!

There's also no parking, I figured out where to park for free in the city. Fuckspoof shitmagic.
Thursday, January 24th, 2013
1:36 am
So, like, I guess I'm going to use this thing again. I guess I'm going to only use it when I'm unsure about stuff or upset or stressed. I mean, I can write journal entrees on FA but I feel like I have too many followers there to get personal about anything. So sorry, if you haven't heard from me in a while or you forgot who I was!

I have one semester of this animation degree left and I feel mega nervous. I already blew off my first class! Which turned out to be a good thing because it was only an hour long, I would have been pissed if I drove a half hour for an hour class. I have two classes left, Maya 4 and my final "capstone" project. I want to do an after effects video, possibly a music video. I'm already overwhelmed!! And i haven't even started the project! I have a ton of pressure, mostly from myself, to make this project amazing. I've wanted to make a cartoon for my entire life and I feel like this is my only chance. I doubt I'll be getting any animation jobs after this, so this is it! I just need to do it for one semester, that's it. My job, as easy as it is, is getting a little bit too dramatic and hectic, between not being allowed to talk to anyone all of sudden to really inconsistent hours, the strictness levels are getting out of hand. It's starting to feel like being in middleschool. I hated middle school!

AND OF COURSE I still have this tremendous guilt for quitting the post office which I can't shake. I feel like maybe that was the only job I could do, the only job I'll ever get. I miss everyone I work with, but I can't go back there! Apparently they are hiring again so technically I could go back, but at this point everyone that was around me is now a regular, So i'd be going back to my starting position while everyone I got hired with is higher up than me. Also, there's supposedly a huge pay cut. I would not be able to do that job for any less than I previously got paid, it just wouldn't be worth it. It's a difficult, mentally and physically exhausting job where you're outside exposed to the elements every day for 6-8 hours, 6 days a week. I think talking to my previous coworker today really upset me. Now I'm going through the same thing with my current job where everything is starting to get shitty, I just got to get through it for four more months! I might take the entire month of april off so I can work on this final project. If I can do that financial, that is.

I'm itching to get a full time job, but I feel like i should finish this degree for some unknown reason. I wish I just had a damn career already. This would have been my 7th year at the post office if I hadn't quit. I would have had to sit through 2 more years there to become a regular employee, meaning getting my own route and having a normal schedule and shit. If i had still been there, I wouldn't have done even half the fun things I did in the past 2 years, wouldn't have met any of the people I met or traveled to anywhere I went to. I know it was the right thing to do, but I still feel guilty and I can't stop thinking about it. My brain is my own worst enemy! Too much downtime at my current job, that's the problem. I sit and think about stuff, and now this no talking thing is making stuff worse. I need a job with constant stuff to do, a mound of stuff, and where I can use my damn brain. How can I get any employers to realize I will be amazing at whatever job they are hiring for?

Hey, If i can go from not being able to dance at all to getting into a dance competition with 42 participants and 20 spots, I can do anything right?
Saturday, May 5th, 2012
12:36 am
This semester is done, and it was a super stressful one. My room mate who I've been living with for 4 years moved out. I was trying to find a room mate for 6 months or more, basically stressing out constantly, trying to decide if I should move to Philadelphia or not. I had a hard time concentrating on school, and I was completely lost. I think the concept of 3D modeling is just lost on me, computer programs are lost. I've sort of come to terms with the fact that I'll never be animator. I took too long to pursue it, now I'm too old and these younger kids are animating circles around me. At least as far as 3d modeling goes, I'm definitely useless. The maya program makes me feel like a helpless old guy. The first semester I was so excited about these projects I had to do, I would go to the computer lab and work on them forever. This semester, I dreaded my projects and just handed in the bare minimum. Basically, between the post office for the past 4 years and the last 10 months of stressing out about room mates and apartments, I'm completely burnt out and I'm ready to give up.

Now the problem is, I've been thinking about this animation thing for so long, I don't know what else to do. Animation was in the back of my head forever, I was embarrassed to say anything. I would love to go back in time and stop what I was doing half way through college and yell WAIT! I want to animate! Or even do anything artistic. Oops! Messed up.

So I guess essentially, I don't know what to do with my life now because there's nothing else I want to do.

In better noose, I found a room mate. But now I'm wondering if I should have opted to move to Philadelphia. (Of course I can't make decisions about anything) I started an art project I've been thinking about for a while today and it worked out pretty well. I made two drawings and everyone seemed pretty impressed with them. If you're attending anthrocon, I'll probably put a bunch of these drawings in the art auction. Though, out of the two of them someone already offered to buy one so they might never make it!
Tuesday, February 21st, 2012
1:08 am
The magic of going back to school sort of dissolved this semester. I'm taking 3 classes: Composite (a node based program that composites things, its super glitchy and confusing), Maya 2 (I'm not super big on 3d modeling, I'd rather draw) and Intro to Digital Media. Eh. Boring class, weirdo professor that I can't read. Some info is interesting.

Some of the reason I'm not as into it is that i realize i may not finish. I didn't expect this degree to take so long, and I don't think i can pull off the whole Work part time/School part time/Live on my own thing for too long. The lack of health insurance is sort of in the back of my mind, luckily I'm pretty healthy and I've never broken anything before (knock on all the wood ever). Any illnesses i get are usually stress related.

Also with the room mate situation (my room mate moves out in May and i am yet to find a replacement) I've either got to A) move into a 1 bedroom which might cause me to lose my mind b) move back in with parents, c) move to Philadelphia d) find a random room mate on craigslist

Some problems. I don't think I live by myself. Loneliness closes in on me like a fog. I've house sat before by myself and I did not enjoy it at all! I like alone time, but not being alone. Basically, If I live by myself I'll never leave the house.

My parents are crazy, though i get along with them WAY better than i used to in the past, who knows what would happen if i moved back in. I think they appreciate me more that I've moved out, but I also feel like i cause problems when I'm there. My mom talks shit about my dad to me, i tend to defend my dad for no reason, I don't know why. Not to mention the house looks like a bomb hit it, with my dad grudgingly doing dishes every few hours (but not well). My mom falls asleep on the couch at 6pm my dad is home all the time.

Philadelphia! I can move into a friend's house and pay way less rent for a way smaller room and possibly meet a bunch of people. I'm afraid to move! I've lived in NJ for my whole life and I'm super used to it. I've never lived in a city besides Trenton for a year. Maybe I'll have more opportunities in Philly. I'll just miss NJ and everything.

I've essentially got nothing keeping me here or anywhere, I can do anything. I don't care about finishing the degree I guess but I'd like to take Maya 3 and TV 122, which would be the next fall semester. And I actually sort of like my job right now, even though its crappy by any standards. For once I'm not looking to escape from where I am and it seems I'm being forced to. Irony is the shackles of youth!

I can't make decisions.
Friday, February 10th, 2012
1:12 am
I keep having these reoccurring dreams where i almost end up doing a task that I did in the past and at this point in times seems impossible and i can't imagine how I did it. I remember doing it in the past and thinking "Wow, how in the world did I even do that? I don't think I'd be able to do it again." And then i almost reach a point of no return where I have to do it again.

This may sound confusing! So I'll explain, there are three main tasks where this happens. One is a room full of lasers, and a series of rooms full of lasers. I somehow got through all the rooms without getting hit by the lasers. I'm not really sure how this worked, or if there are puzzles or something that i passed, but it was a really large amount of rooms that got progressively harder and harder (Think Metroid-esque plus the base zones of Contra) and i somehow got through them. The only thing i remember is the first room where there are two lasers on the wall (or rather they look like hand dryers that will shoot lasers at you if you do something wrong.) I'm in this room thinking how I could never do that again, and I realize i need to leave right away otherwise I will have to do it again.

The next scenario is a series of caves with rapids going through them. I had to navigate a raft through some really ridiculous rapids inside some blue caves, some of the rapids are HUGE. I often dream about insanely huge waves. Same thing happens, i realize if i go any further, I'll have to do it all again.

The third scene is one in an extremely old building, I think i work there or go to school there. In the basement, there's a serious of rooms with sub basements and more rooms, a maze of endless rooms that are all hellishly lit. I somehow got through all those rooms once, and it was not a fun experience. It was extremely scary and dangerous. In this dream I am standing in the first room, which is the first basement with a bunch of random falderal scattered around. This room is pretty well lit too, but its lit in the way you'd expect hell to be lit, firy lava like. I realize that if i go any further, I might get lost and end up going through the endless hell rooms again.

These aren't really nightmares, they're really interesting dreams. I don't really have nightmares per se. Pretty much any horrible things that happen in my dreams, i somehow manage to enjoy them.
Wednesday, January 25th, 2012
10:37 pm
It's been a year since i worked at the post office, but i still have nightmares about it. I still stress out and think about it constantly. It's hard not to, mail trucks are everywhere. It's hit the point where i forgot how terrible it was and I'm having second thoughts about leaving. Of course, it took a year for that to happen, and if i really think about it, imagine myself walking in there and having a route to case, i remember why I left. I know what hindsight bias is, i have a degree in PSYCH remember? Psychology is just a bunch of complex terms for obvious things, (like the saying Hindsight is 20/20.) It's like a bad relationship where you meet your ex and everything is cool again, you wonder why it didn't work out in the first place. Then you start dating again and remember why it didn't work out in the first place.

I'm just a little bit jealous of everyone my age who seems to have settled into a craft that they are, at this point, good at and have experience in. What did I learn at the post office? People are afraid of postal employees because they know they're crazy. They're right, they are crazy. I'm fearless and I worked with a lot of shitty people. I have experience working with shitty people and in a high stress environment, so now i can get a job working with shitty people in a high stress environment because i have experience in that field. Awesome.

I miss everyone from the post office. I had nothing against most of the people i worked with, but i only saw them for an hour a day if even that. Usually i was so pissed about being there that i didn't talk to anyone at all. That took place the last 2 years i was there. Within the first year when i didn't mind working there i liked everyone. I never really hung out with anyone, but they were ok people. They were characters! I can't help feeling like i abandoned everyone.

I can go back and visit, but i don't really want to go back and visit until I'm doing something i can say was worth quitting over. I mean, I'm attending community college and i have a part time job as a taste tester. I guess the fact that i don't want to off myself every morning was worth quitting, but i can't really say that. Most of these people don't understand things like that, they respond to "Steady job" "benefits" "Family with kids" "house", i don't care about any of these things. BTW, thanks Obama for giving us all free health care.

I'm thinking about taking a bunch of accounting classes over the summer. I'm thinking about eating a sausage that's so big, it will shape my body like a sausage. I like this whole "work 4 years somewhere, save money and then quit and chill for a year" thing. I hope i can do this again sometime.

Current Mood: flirty
Thursday, January 19th, 2012
2:04 am
I'm obsessed with numbers and lists.
My job has a numbering system, all panelists are given a number. They go in order, so whatever your number is depends on your "seniority", though unlike the post office seniority really means nothing here. My panelist number is 540. That means I was the 540th person hired! I've been working there 4 months and they are up to number 604 already. There are still a few people from the 100s, a few 200's, more 300s, a bunch of 400s, and obviously the 500s are the most prevalent. My one friend is number 323, she got hired a year ago.

The place has a super high turn over rate, already it seems most people have number after me. I've met number 545, 541, and 549, but i haven't met anyone else in the 540 range. I know 534 and 538, 506, 502, 515, 526, and also I'm always in panels with 552, 575, 566, 562. Where are all the people in between? They disappeared! They have a stack of cards of people that never claimed their numbers.

I'm a fucking psycho, I live for stuff like this. I love numbers, i love memorizing people's numbers and seeing lists of numbers, staring at lists. I used to obsess over bus numbers in middle school, i wanted to know what bus everyone was on, and at one point i had figured out everyone in my grade. If i could have made lists of everyone on every bus, i would have. If i could get a job charting out bus routes, i would. I knew it was weird so i was mega discreet about my weird obsessions.

Furaffinity has a ranking system, www.popufur.com, and i love it. It's just an organized list of everyone based on how many watchers they have and how many people they are watching (I think that's it?). I love seeing everything organized, seeing the top people, all these numbers! Obviously i'm like on page 90 of that thing (I rank #5555, as of 6/10/11, it hasn't been updated in a while. I had 665 watchers back then, now i have 943. Nine is a red, 4 is a darker red. 3 is blue. ) I like that rank, 5555. My address is 111, i love that number. I used to really like addresses, but the post office kind of killed that on me. Now i don't care about them.

I memorize numbers well because they all have colors, and i memorize the colors. 540, 5 is beige, 4 is red, 0 is no color at all. 6 is dark grey/close to blue. 7 is off white. 2 is orange. 3 is blue, 8 is black, 9 is lighter red than 4.

I really like numbers. I think i get this from my dad, he has notebooks full of random numbers. It's some sort of listomania i guess. My dad is weird.

My student id number is 0516596. I memorize that because it looks like THING to me, 0516 and then 596, they both end with 6's and start with 5's, 6 is a dark number, 5 is light. 0 and 1 don't really have colors, 9 is red. Yeah, i don't know. It works in my brain, maybe not yours.
Friday, December 30th, 2011
3:59 am
2011
2011 has been one of the best years I've had. EVER. Probably rare in the face of this economical situation here, but I've had a lot of shittyness in the past. This is the first year where i was like "fuck it, I'm doing what i want with my life, fuck what everyone else thinks or what the consequences might be" Apparently everyone else thought it was a good idea too.

I finally quit the post office for almost a year now. I still have nightmares about it, but I was able to save a bunch of money so now i have freedom to fool around. And now with this current job (which is beyond easy and going splendidly well KNOCK ON WOODY WOODPECKER'S DICK) i can fool around even longer!

My room mate is moving out, this isn't great for me, but it's great for her. She's getting married and getting out of her terrible job, so hopefully this is a turn of events for her too. Hey, it's hard to be happy when you live with a depressed person, on both ends of the spectrum here. This does mean i have to find another room mate, I'm not super worried.

School! Yeah, it's going well, I'm liking it. I like my teachers, the people I've met, the classes, I've gotten all A's without even trying. (Well, i tried, but it didn't feel like i was doing work)

My art has improved a ton, and I've met a bunch of awesome people and awesome artists! I edited videos, I've been trying to learn how to dance (break dance, popping and locking stuff), I've been improving with accordion and trying to learn banjo. I repaired someone's accordion successfully! I got on a poster at my school WITH MY FURSUIT ON. http://i.imgur.com/D6SWW.jpg

I feel like I've done more productive stuff this year than any other year I've been alive. Goals for next year:

try to obtain some accordions to repair.
Draw some comics I've had in mind.
Be more organized! (I've got a huge problem with this, My life is a mess)
Get a second job.
Suck more dicks. (Just kidding)
take better care of my car. (Hopefully DIY repair)
learn to cook some damn food. (I hate my kitchen, I'm sorry!)
Make money off art somehow. (I've got a few ideas)
Suck even more dicks.
Wednesday, December 21st, 2011
11:50 pm
I'm really stressed out about the future. This degree is going to take me 3 more semesters, at only 2 classes each semester! That's magically long. I only have 7 classes to go. I hope i don't run out of money by then, though I guess i can always try to get a better job than i have now.

I wish i could just like, relax and enjoy the moment, but I'm always thinking about the future and the past. I'm having a really good time in school! This past year has definitely been the best year I've ever had. It's just easy to feel like I have no stability. Stability is overrated perhaps.

I wonder if I'll ever own a house, or mow my own lawn or do any of that stuff. I'm okay with not ever doing that, not ever owning a house, having kids, having a family. I should stop trying to figure out the future because it's too unpredictable and plans never work out. Like for example, if someone told me I'd be a furry and have a fursuit 5 years ago, or that I'd be attending community college 5 years after graduating from a four year college, I would have said they were crazy. Tentatively, I'm taking 3 classes this coming semester, followed by 2 classes FAll 2012, and then finally Spring 2013 my last 2 classes. (TENTATIVELY maya 4 and Capstone where i do whatever the fuck i want) The Capstone class is both terrifying and exciting.

I had a dream a few days ago that these two ladies in my Zbrush (digital sculpting program) got into a huge fistfight. When i went to my last class monday, it turned out these two ladies had gotten into a huge screaming fight over the weekend during lab hours! The thing is, one lady is 38 and the other is in her 50's. They are both nuts, and i sort of feel both bad for them and impressed by them. Being an older student i can relate to the pressure of being out of place, though i look a lot more in place than they do and i tend to pick up the material easier. I am impressed with their drive to go back to school and learn a bunch of computer programs at their ages, but at the same time i sort of feel they are desperately grabbing at something they will never get. I question what their motives are, since it seems neither one of them is very company-friendly. Not that I am team friendly, I may be just grabbing desperately at something myself. The one lady, 38yr old, is full of crazy stories which i am inclined to believe because she is so crazy herself. Also, they stay pretty consistent. The other lady is an ex-biker with a line of crazy husbands and crazy stories also, which i tend to believe because she's so crazy herself also. Besides these two, there is literally NO drama among the students i deal with. Not what you would expect from a bunch of 18-21 year olds at a community college! But the truth is, the older ladies cause all the drama.

Despite not having the right requirements for the class, i finished it pretty successfully i think, and before a lot of people. After this degree, i think I'll just try to get a job for 4 years and then get another degree.
Thursday, November 3rd, 2011
2:58 am
I'm so fucking bad with computers it's embarrassing. I have a mac, i don't even know how to back up the files, i don't even know what type of mac it is. If someone asked me, i'd be like uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm like that with a lot of stuff, i can play bass but if you ask me what kind of bass or bass amp i have, I'm lost. I can drive, but don't ask me about cars or how they work. I sort of get how the accordion works, you can ask me about that. There's also nothing electrical going on in there. Once electricity is placed into the picture, I'm lost.

What do i know about? I know about food and nutrition because I've researched it a fuck ton. I sort of know how to draw because I've been doing it for years. I can name every genital piercing. I can play bass, accordion, drums, guitar. All this stuff is sort of just useless.

My psychology degree was a giant waste of time. I'm not afraid to admit this. If I hadn't gotten it, I'd probably be going to school for free right now.

My DIGITAL ARTS AND ANIMATION DEGREE is going really well. I like my professors, they like me (I think?). I'm taking only 2 classes, but they are basically extensions of what i do on a regular basis. One is zbrush (a digital sculpting class, it's like drawing in 3d) and one is figure drawing (I draw all the time, just not humans). I know a bunch of people in my classes, i even started a club!! The club is working out (no thanks to my leadership skills, but still working out none the less) During the meeting, our advisor (also my zbrush professor) said she was becoming head of the department in two years. I said "Oh, i better get a masters by then so i can become a professor here." She replied with "yes, get your masters and I'll hire you". This made me feel pretty good. Then I made a joke about starting class 10 minutes late, she cringed. I've actually made it to class on time almost every day, same with work! I'm hoping my "late for everything" campaign has finally dwindled to halt.

I'd love to get my masters in some type of digital media arts thing, the problem is it's taking me so long to get this degree. I only have 5 classes to go, but it's going to take me 2 or 3 semesters . At least i'll get to be a college student next halloween. (Unless i give this all up and get a job)

Anyway, i think i figured out what to do for the rest of my life.
Thursday, October 20th, 2011
6:11 pm
Things aren't going bad. I like my two classes I'm taking a lot. I sort of wish my professors wouldn't compliment me, it fills my head with things. I can't take compliments, only insults. I was expecting to be done with this animation degree soon but i guess it's going to take the full 2 years, even though i only need like 4 more classes. I started a club at my school and a bunch of people are really into it. We're supposed to make our own 2d animation. (All my classes are 3d animation based)

My part time job is going pretty good (despite the parking ticket i got today. Hmm, 27 dollars, i make 8 dollars an hour, 4 hours. Yeah, i made 6 dollars today. Bummer. )

This job is easy and i draw the whole time, so i wouldn't expect to make any more than that. I like the job, but I'm so used to being angry at my last job that i just can't help but be angry at this one, prepared to tell someone off at the drop of a hat. I guess I'll always have this weird fringe anger problem. Thanks a lot USPS. There's also potential to move upwards, UNLIKE SOME JOBS.

I would explain my new job, but i barely know what the hell is going on. They bring out samples, we have to choose which is more bitter/sweeter/saltier, something like that. Apparently I'm good at it. I sort of like it because i like bad tastes. I've eaten moldy food before.

Another thing i realize from this job is that flavors sort of have pictures to me. Bitterness is beige/light yellow, it looks very jagged. Stuff tastes like certain colors. I almost wrote in one of the descriptions that something tasted red, but I realized they would have no idea what i was talking about.

I turn 29 tomorrow. I wish i had a career i liked.

Trying to learn how to break dance. Fuck. I start everything too late in life.
Wednesday, July 13th, 2011
4:45 am
Writer's Block: Look into my crystal ball
Where do you see yourself in five years or where don’t you see yourself? Why?


I don't like to answer this question, because nothing I'm currently doing is anything i could have predicted five years before now. In fact, if someone told me what I'd be doing 5 years into the future of any given time in my life five years before now or more, I'd have told them they were crazy.
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